


I Live In Hell Because I've Been Expelled From Heaven

by creatureofhobbit



Category: Vampire Diaries (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-28
Updated: 2013-07-28
Packaged: 2017-12-21 15:56:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/902124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/creatureofhobbit/pseuds/creatureofhobbit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bonnie didn't go over to The Other Side when the veil was dropped. Instead, she found peace. Then Qetsiyah pulled her out saying she had to go back to stop Silas.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Live In Hell Because I've Been Expelled From Heaven

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers for S4 of TVD, and the Buffy fans among you will recognise the inspiration for this, plus where the title is from, so I guess spoilers for Buffy S6.

It was never supposed to be this way.

_Bonnie thought she’d got what she wanted. Jeremy was alive again, Elena had her brother back. And Silas should have been gone, calcified, unable to hurt any of them ever again. And if to achieve all that had meant that she had to die, well, okay, it had been true what she had said to Kol. It hadn’t been what she wanted deep down. She wanted that triple room with Caroline and Elena, she wanted to chance to have some kind of career even though she had no definite ideas about what she wanted it to be, she wanted to come home to Mystic Falls for Jeremy’s prom and graduation. But she’d accepted that none of that was going to happen. Bonnie had gone beyond the veil believing that everything was going to be okay, that she’d made everything all right by killing Silas and bringing Jeremy back._

_She’d found peace, she was able to be happy. Until Qetsiyah had come to her, told her that everything had gone wrong, that her death had brought Silas back. “He is still in Mystic Falls,” Qetsiyah explained. “He has returned to his true form. All your friends believe that he is Stefan Salvatore.”_

_“Then I have to go back,” Bonnie had said. “I have to fix this.”_

_“It is too dangerous, Bonnie,” Grams had pleaded. “And the balance of nature has already been upset enough. You brought Jeremy back twice. If you try and go back now, there will be consequences. It was the will of nature that you crossed over – you brought Jeremy back so there had to be a balance. Your return will upset that balance, and I don’t know what that will cause.”_

_“I’m sorry, Grams.” Bonnie had replied. “But this is what I need to do. That’s a chance I have to take. Qetsiyah’s right, he has to be stopped.”_

_“You found peace, Bonnie,” Grams attempted to argue._

_“I did,” Bonnie admitted, “but I can’t be at peace now. Not now that I know he’s alive. I know you care about me, Grams, but Qetsiyah and I need to fix this. I’m going home to Mystic Falls.”_

 

 

Bonnie had thought that out of everyone, Jeremy was the one who was most likely to understand what she was feeling. After all, he’d been through it himself twice. But it turned out that it hadn’t been quite the same for him. When Jeremy had died, he’d gone over to The Other Side, and the first time he died it had been such a short time before Bonnie brought him back again that he hadn’t really had time to become used to it. She’d told him at the time that she could understand it feeling strange, but she hadn’t given much thought to it. He was alive, and that was what really mattered, and if he wanted to talk about it he could, but he hadn’t, so Bonnie hadn’t pushed it.

The second time had been longer, but he’d been on the Other Side then, not able to move on. Bonnie knew that he’d spent some time with Alaric then, and that he’d been there watching as Elena turned her humanity off, as Silas had taken his form to get into Bonnie’s head. He hadn’t been able to move on as Bonnie had. Jeremy had never found peace. When Bonnie had brought him back, it was what he had wanted, he was happy to be alive again. Yes, he’d found it strange at first, but he’d accepted being back a lot more easily than Bonnie had.

Sometimes, she wondered why she’d even come back at all. And there was no one that she felt she could talk to and would be understood. She’d tried to talk to her friends about it, but before she’d even opened her mouth Caroline had started in about how she wasn’t sure she felt the same way about Tyler any more and Bonnie hadn’t bothered trying to talk about her own stuff because she didn’t think she’d get a word in. And Elena had been pretty pissed at her about the way she’d forced Jeremy to lie about her death, not just because she hadn’t given her friends the opportunity to grieve but because of the pressure she’d placed on Jeremy. Did Bonnie not realise what she was doing to him? Didn’t she understand that he had enough to deal with having just returned from the dead? Yes, Bonnie understood that now in a way she hadn’t done at the time she forced Jeremy into his promise. But she’d heard it all now, and even though she understood why Elena was angry, Bonnie still wished she could talk to her about the disconnection she felt from this world, from her friends. The same friends she’d come back for, to make sure they were okay.

As she’d woken up underneath the school in the spot where she had died, Bonnie had wondered initially what Qetsiyah’s motivation had really been for sending her back, but then decided not to think about that. What mattered to Bonnie was making sure that she stopped Silas, whether that be to trap him on the Other Side as Qetsiyah wanted or just to calcify him again and drop him into the ocean as had been the original plan. She had to make sure all her friends were okay, to protect them from Silas.

And it hadn’t been easy. But Bonnie had managed it in the end by using some of Katherine’s blood, which contained the cure for vampirism, to make some more of the cure. (Stefan, of all people, hadn’t been happy about the idea, saying it wasn’t fair to use her, causing Elena to want to vomit at the whole Katherine needing to be protected concept. However, he’d been overruled. Katherine had then started in about how they should have just given Silas the cure in the first place rather than all the trouble they’d gone to to get it for Elena who didn’t even want it, instead of letting it be forced on the one vampire in town who’d actually made the conscious choice to become a vampire). 

Any other time in the past, Bonnie probably wouldn’t have cared that once Silas was contained, everyone had started celebrating without acknowledging that they couldn’t have done it without her. Now, she found herself thinking “I came back for this?” For a group of friends she no longer felt that she really shared a connection with, for a world where she felt she no longer fitted? She may have been technically alive again, but Bonnie was existing, not living, feeling nothing but numb all the time, and she felt as though it was this existence, not the Other Side Jeremy had described, which was purgatory on earth. If Silas were to resurface now, she’d probably think “So what?” Grams was right all along. Bonnie should never have listened to Qetsiyah and allowed herself to be brought back. Because every day was a constant reminder of what she had had, and didn’t know if she would ever have again.

 

“Going somewhere?”

Bonnie glanced up from where she’d been haphazardly stuffing clothes into her bags to see Jeremy standing in her doorway. “Thought I’d go and spend a few days with my mom. We haven’t spent any time together since, you know, I came back.”

“That’s a lot of things you’re packing for a few days.” Jeremy observed. “You’re not planning on coming back, are you?”

Bonnie shook her head.

“And were you going to tell anyone, if I hadn’t stopped by?” Jeremy demanded. “Are you going to tell anyone now, or are you just going to make me tell everyone you’re just taking some time out and you’ll be back?”

“Look, I said I was sorry about that,” Bonnie began, “and I heard all this already from Elena. But I think maybe I need to be with my mom right now. She might be able to understand me better, or at least she might try.”

“You think none of us are trying?” Jeremy asked. “In fact, you think I don’t understand?”

Bonnie shook her head. “I’m not sure you do. You wanted to come back, Jer. But I’d found peace, I wasn’t on the Other Side. Now I’m back here, Silas has gone, none of you need me any more.”

“That’s what you really think?” Jeremy asked. “You think everything’s been great for me since I came back?”

“You told all of us yourself that you were happier here than on the Other Side,” Bonnie reminded him.

“I did.” Jeremy admitted. “But I’m happier here now because you’re back too. Do you think it was any easier for me being back here without you? I know Elena had a go at you before, but I’m not talking about what she said. I’m talking about being back here without being able to talk to you, without being able to share it with you every time something happened. I might have been in purgatory before, but I didn’t find being back here so much easier without you either. I guess I just didn’t want to tell you that because I knew you’d died bringing me back, and I didn’t want you to think that that was for nothing. But I do understand where you’re coming from better than you think, Bonnie. Stay, let me show you. We can get through this, start our new lives. Together.”

Bonnie still wasn’t sure. But he was going to try and understand, and maybe he would in time. She was here now, and would try and adjust to it better. She had the chance of a future, which so many didn’t, and now she had to take that leap of faith and take it.


End file.
